perjantai, 22. helmikuu 2008

kuvia puolan taideakatemiasta ja krakowasta

http://riinu.livejournal.com

tiistai, 12. helmikuu 2008

last day in finland

listening: sigh: imaginery sonicscape
st.vitus : die healing

this is my last day in here . i see this place next time in summer when its more better. i watch outside and there is box houses,grey, dirt, melted snow..maybe new enviroment is good.
today i`m gonna play with guineapigs,hamster.
play with my man.
go to hospitol to mesure my litium levels and talk to doctor..again.
evening my mother and her boyfiend comes and we go eat with them and my ex-mother-inl-aw and my new mother-in-law. yes its strange but my ex-mother-in-law is one of my closest friends.

and in the morning night i leave.
my man stays here. my heart break.
and when i sit in the airplane starts a face i havent seen in long times:
me being alone.
i was alone 16-18 years until i founf my ex-boyfriend and even during those two years i lived in punk/vegen communies. not ever alone.

i really look forward to start to school in krakows art academy. i really look forward to spend my times in museums, painting in the streets of krakow and parks. draw that wonderful architechture and listen people who have different lifes than i do.
live in a culture that have been through so much.
hope i will grow and become better painter and person.

so. this is it. my first time living outside finland, my first try to be on my own.

see you finland at summer. bye bye friends but we will speak in skype and some of you are coming to visit me.
(my every friend who has coming has said, lets go then to the concentration camps..so maybe i will know many things of those after i have been there 5-6 times, i know some allready cause i have been there once)

i will post pictures to my livejournal and diary pages.
krakows works to deviantart.

but. hope everything will go fine. hugs to those who deserve it :)

maanantai, 11. helmikuu 2008

how to pack a heart for five months?

istening: ufomammut: godlike snake
drinking mango milkshake

how can you same time feel so exited and so sad and anxious?
last night i cryed : "i dont wanna go i dont wanan go".
then i know i really have to.
my man says "i most fear the quietness". i always make litlle songs, dance,make noises or speak or laugh or something.
i fear the quietness too and feeling i cannot speak to anyone.
good i am this social person, i like to smile and laugh a lot, i usually start to speak to strangers if i feel like it.
i called to american friend to london and she gived me good advices.
gived strenght and said it will be hard but you will manage it you are strong.
she telled about the wonderful theory teaching in there.
in poland i wont understand any of the lectures and i dont really know is there any in english, maybe if there is a english artist. i saw there was some.

i have a little toy monkey with my mans band t- shirt on.

i have to still be messing out with medicens calling the doctors,visit my school etc. im soouuuuuu stressed out.

S keeps me in his arms i says everything will be ok. i try to believe that .

i pack my brushes and get ready of museums,study of them.
i love polish symbolism and i think i just sit in the museums and study them.
paintings be my comfort.
try to become as best i can.

it hurt still so much. love as strong as it is

lauantai, 9. helmikuu 2008

leaving party and great doom band

listening to: AHAB

http://www.myspace.com/ahabdoom

its always a day of joy when i find new bands to listen, cause i`m very selective and love doom but not that "too slow" and "too without any emotional tricks". maybe i like this cause it remind me of swallow the sun but more masculine (as we know every real doom quy think swallow the sun is this whining bitch music ;)

listen one song of this band and i`m fallen in love.
after neurosis i always miss those big emotions and and big scenes givin bands.
if i would have time to focus just on music i would do something like those + noise + feminine agressive touch.
if someday i have time maybe i would.

i`m taking my recorder with me cause i think i have time in poland to focus more on music and noise things too. i like record with this old machines cause it gives a very hollow and shitty and old sound. thats why i like to play old instruments, childrens toys etc cause the sound is not perfect it is as unperfect as i am.

today we are gonna party that i`m leaving this country .
i thought about giving some alcohollos to my friend so they can open up and say "fuck yeah we are so clad you leave" ;)
and then some food too so they have strenght to continue that all evening.

hmm. lots of things to do, pack, take my medicens.. plaa plaa.

today feeling happy no worries, im going to academy, im going to beautiful country and city, half year away from this gray,silent country.

my heart breaks when i think of my man and friends. but i will manage it.

today everyone lift a toast that finland is half year now riinu free zone and everyone can live their life quiet and passive.
ok??? ;)

im gonna be drunk, laugh and sing and hug and kiss.


torstai, 7. helmikuu 2008

living with pieces of glass inside my head

I watched green mile movie and i cryED my eyes out.
cryed mostly cross the whole movie.

i`m so sensitive of movies,music,books,pictures everything.
i`m so affected of many things still that has gone more selective during the years.
i think cause they have been wondering about the asperger syndrome too cause asperger people are usually very too sensitive to everything.

black mens words "i`m too tired to carry all worlds suffering, all world pain, cruelty of men.
everyday it feels like having a pieces of glass inside your head. im too tired of that".

i think everyone who have suffered from pain, mental and fysical many years have thinked something like that. that they are tired sometimes.

when my sickness is very bad i think that way. i used to think i`ll killmyself as i was younger now i just feel tired. tired of hurting,sickness how difficult life is when youre feelings are so big and you cannot put them away.

i think in this sociaty where you cannot escape the information, knowledge, people,( if you cannot move to some house in the middle of forest).
i think the people who are sensitive, who are reacting and feeling are even more difficult situation.

this sociaty needs that you have the cability to ignore things, to forget the existense of violence,meanless cruelty, etc. other wise that cability to feel will destroy you.
as i have seen so many people to lost in drugs,alcohol and suicide cause they have been so sensitive, they couldnt manage their feelings, couldnt manage the sadness for human cruelty that they have felted against them and seen on news everyday.

they are many of the lost souls.

kurt cobain said "i just love people and world too much thats why i cannot take it"

if i wouldnt been since i was child in psychiatric care cause other kinds couldnt take my "weirdness" and that i started cry and hurted myself cause they notice it and called me even more names and beated i wouldnt ever get my medicens.

now i`m so in medicines that i feel half i felt when i was kid/teen and my life was hell.
now medicines make me forget the half of the anxious feeligns of a news headline or a crying friend .

but without my senses i wouldnt have had so wonderful, colorful life and i`m now just 22 years old.
without my senses i wouldnt be Bachelor of Culture and Arts, i wouldnt be going to krakows art academy. i wouldnt have felted two amazing loves and have people around me that when i cry they take me to their arms and say "youre special cause you feel so much".

i think i have still learn some coldness and ignorance as this world needs but when the day comes when i lose my child spirit, my love to feelings, world, my hope of love and good people.
if i ever get to those cynical,cold,ignorent people. then i can say i have really losed.
the day when i dont get anxious for news even the a little one and DONT listen them OR think them, after that day i dont feel so much big happyness just to see some nice color of sky or little bird sitting on my balcony.