this is my last day in here . i see this place next time in summer when its more better. i watch outside and there is box houses,grey, dirt, melted snow..maybe new enviroment is good.
today i`m gonna play with guineapigs,hamster.
play with my man.
go to hospitol to mesure my litium levels and talk to doctor..again.
evening my mother and her boyfiend comes and we go eat with them and my ex-mother-inl-aw and my new mother-in-law. yes its strange but my ex-mother-in-law is one of my closest friends.

and in the morning night i leave.
my man stays here. my heart break.
and when i sit in the airplane starts a face i havent seen in long times:
me being alone.
i was alone 16-18 years until i founf my ex-boyfriend and even during those two years i lived in punk/vegen communies. not ever alone.

i really look forward to start to school in krakows art academy. i really look forward to spend my times in museums, painting in the streets of krakow and parks. draw that wonderful architechture and listen people who have different lifes than i do.
live in a culture that have been through so much.
hope i will grow and become better painter and person.

so. this is it. my first time living outside finland, my first try to be on my own.

see you finland at summer. bye bye friends but we will speak in skype and some of you are coming to visit me.
(my every friend who has coming has said, lets go then to the concentration camps..so maybe i will know many things of those after i have been there 5-6 times, i know some allready cause i have been there once)

i will post pictures to my livejournal and diary pages.
krakows works to deviantart.

how can you same time feel so exited and so sad and anxious?
last night i cryed : "i dont wanna go i dont wanan go".
then i know i really have to.
my man says "i most fear the quietness". i always make litlle songs, dance,make noises or speak or laugh or something.
i fear the quietness too and feeling i cannot speak to anyone.
good i am this social person, i like to smile and laugh a lot, i usually start to speak to strangers if i feel like it.
i called to american friend to london and she gived me good advices.
gived strenght and said it will be hard but you will manage it you are strong.
she telled about the wonderful theory teaching in there.
in poland i wont understand any of the lectures and i dont really know is there any in english, maybe if there is a english artist. i saw there was some.

i have a little toy monkey with my mans band t- shirt on.

i have to still be messing out with medicens calling the doctors,visit my school etc. im soouuuuuu stressed out.

S keeps me in his arms i says everything will be ok. i try to believe that .

i pack my brushes and get ready of museums,study of them.
i love polish symbolism and i think i just sit in the museums and study them.
paintings be my comfort.
try to become as best i can.

http://www.myspace.com/ahabdoom

its always a day of joy when i find new bands to listen, cause i`m very selective and love doom but not that "too slow" and "too without any emotional tricks". maybe i like this cause it remind me of swallow the sun but more masculine (as we know every real doom quy think swallow the sun is this whining bitch music ;)

listen one song of this band and i`m fallen in love.
after neurosis i always miss those big emotions and and big scenes givin bands.
if i would have time to focus just on music i would do something like those + noise + feminine agressive touch.
if someday i have time maybe i would.

i`m taking my recorder with me cause i think i have time in poland to focus more on music and noise things too. i like record with this old machines cause it gives a very hollow and shitty and old sound. thats why i like to play old instruments, childrens toys etc cause the sound is not perfect it is as unperfect as i am.

today we are gonna party that i`m leaving this country .
i thought about giving some alcohollos to my friend so they can open up and say "fuck yeah we are so clad you leave" ;)
and then some food too so they have strenght to continue that all evening.

hmm. lots of things to do, pack, take my medicens.. plaa plaa.

today feeling happy no worries, im going to academy, im going to beautiful country and city, half year away from this gray,silent country.

my heart breaks when i think of my man and friends. but i will manage it.

today everyone lift a toast that finland is half year now riinu free zone and everyone can live their life quiet and passive.
ok??? ;)

im gonna be drunk, laugh and sing and hug and kiss.

i`m so sensitive of movies,music,books,pictures everything.
i`m so affected of many things still that has gone more selective during the years.
i think cause they have been wondering about the asperger syndrome too cause asperger people are usually very too sensitive to everything.

black mens words "i`m too tired to carry all worlds suffering, all world pain, cruelty of men.
everyday it feels like having a pieces of glass inside your head. im too tired of that".

i think everyone who have suffered from pain, mental and fysical many years have thinked something like that. that they are tired sometimes.

when my sickness is very bad i think that way. i used to think i`ll killmyself as i was younger now i just feel tired. tired of hurting,sickness how difficult life is when youre feelings are so big and you cannot put them away.

i think in this sociaty where you cannot escape the information, knowledge, people,( if you cannot move to some house in the middle of forest).
i think the people who are sensitive, who are reacting and feeling are even more difficult situation.

this sociaty needs that you have the cability to ignore things, to forget the existense of violence,meanless cruelty, etc. other wise that cability to feel will destroy you.
as i have seen so many people to lost in drugs,alcohol and suicide cause they have been so sensitive, they couldnt manage their feelings, couldnt manage the sadness for human cruelty that they have felted against them and seen on news everyday.

they are many of the lost souls.

kurt cobain said "i just love people and world too much thats why i cannot take it"

if i wouldnt been since i was child in psychiatric care cause other kinds couldnt take my "weirdness" and that i started cry and hurted myself cause they notice it and called me even more names and beated i wouldnt ever get my medicens.

now i`m so in medicines that i feel half i felt when i was kid/teen and my life was hell.
now medicines make me forget the half of the anxious feeligns of a news headline or a crying friend .

but without my senses i wouldnt have had so wonderful, colorful life and i`m now just 22 years old.
without my senses i wouldnt be Bachelor of Culture and Arts, i wouldnt be going to krakows art academy. i wouldnt have felted two amazing loves and have people around me that when i cry they take me to their arms and say "youre special cause you feel so much".

in my dream the beaches were full of meateater plants, standind in the ocean, purple green. they picked person up from their heads during their morning walk and melted and eated them very slowly.
in my dream kids in mall dies in escalators final steps and get crushed to death.

its important to me to go, cause of my career and spiritual growing.
visiting concentration camps, war museons, listen and read stories, learn about history i have become more humble and respecting my life and my close ones even more.
my weakness is that i`m slipping to my cynical state as much as i know about things that "everyone should die and world end" like i use to think.
with that thinking there wasnt any hope in my life.

listening other cultur its history is the best way to learn about life,
like holding a hand of dying person or celebrating birth of little baby.

if this sickness keeps hold i have to cancel my going away get to together.

i wanna hang myself to S. watch his every move,listen every word, touch and hug. how can i miss him allready?

say over and over again "you leave for your career" dont wanna end up some art school teacher i have to be more i have to be something that has grown from filth of man to remember them about that. that this sociaty grows monsters. i have to write that down and put it to my wall in poland.
i think i will put many reminders why i have to tolerate the lonelyness and missing my loved one.

as lonely as i am in finland too still many people around me, and im very socail now days. i have always someone to go to when people say im too sick and different. take their hand and say "am i good enough to you?" and they hug me and say "yes of course you are."

in poland i have no one. its good i very quick make friends with people that can stand my stupid little songs,too loud laughing, and difficult disgussion cause my mind jumps from subject to other and is very messy.

"its gonna be ok" its gonna be ok" now just enjoy the snot

"Slow down this is slippin' trough my mind,
This conversation has run out of time.
Honey I know you know what I mean,
And that's the one thing that you soon will find.
I know that you really wanna go,
My mind is runnin' outta gas just relax,
And recap, and relapse.
Tonight, my bodies jumpin' and I,
Go through the motions and I'm leaving on this journey,
Maybe someday I'll come running home to you.

I don't wanna see the day, my words cannot make it safe.
(Come running home! Come running home!)
Her heart in my hands, it's too bad, no regrets...
I don't wanna see the day, her tears are falling on my grave.
(Come running home! Come running home!)
This is my one chance, to take back, no regrets."

-fall of troy

nyt leevi on meiän pakkasessa marjojen ja soijapihvien keskellä ja huomenna mietitään mihin sä haudataan ja pystyykö vielä edes hautaamaan mitään.
mä uhkailin samulia että se loppuajan kun oon suomessa hengaan vaan pakastuneen leevin kanssa. vedän kossua ja istun olkkarinsohvalla kattoen jalkapalloa leevi seurana.
ja sitten otan sen mukaan puolaan niin mun ei tarvi olla ihan yksin on joku siellä kelle puhua ja jonka kaa kattella nähtävyyksiä ja käydä paareissa.

voi leevi. pieni kultainen ja äkäinen hamsteri.
miten paljon iloa meille tuotit tunkemalla asioita poskeesi ja leikkiessäsi hyökkäys leikkiä vessapaperilla.

S:kin vaikka se on tollanen iso hevi mies, ennen ei ees tienny mitä hamsterit on nyt se sanoi että "hyvä vaari se oli tulee ikävä sen touhuja"

<3

ehkä se tiesi että mä oon lähdössä kun mietin että kuinkahan se nyt jos se kuolee kun oon pois ni en pääse pitämään sitä kädessä ehkä se aavisti ;O

tjuuh. huomenna lähdetään mikkeliin viettämään viikonloppu isovanhempien kanssa kun pelkään että niille sattuu jotain kun oon pois.
tänään tyhjensin työhuonetta, tuntui kummalta.
sitten oon äitin luona tiistaihin.
mulle soitti joku uus psykiatri et se haluu nähä mut enneku lähen ni nään sen ens ke ja se kysyy "viiraaks" ja mä oon että "VITTU VIIRAA VITUSSA MUTTA MULLA ON MATKALAUKKU TÄYNNÄ LÄÄKKEITÄ".
ja sitten viiminen viikonloppu, lähtöpileet.
ja sit ke mä oon pois suomen maakamaralta.....kauheeta se on nii lähellä!

mun parhaaks kaveriks tulee 5 kk tää läppäri.
sit tulee muute angsti ikävä journaleita ja niiiiiiiiin helvetisti.
thats life get use to it ja sitä on rakkaus.

jännittää kokoajan nii paljo et välil särkee päätä.

katoin videon peräreiän valkasusta ja se on varmasti hyvää ajanviettoa.

näin meillä tänään.

"miksi feminismi väsyttää? no mulla on nyt vaa sellanen kausi et se on kuin kuiva limppu..samoin kaikki seksuaaliongelmat!"

mä olen niin toimeton että tungen itteni tänään modernismin luennolle jossa mun ei tarvis ees olla koska tästä aamutakissa haahuilusta ei tuu mitään.
yritän etsiä netistä puolasta kuntosalia tai jotain liikuntapaikkaa krakowan keskustassa. voi olla että kampuksellakin olisi sellainen.
pelottaa että arkirutiinit menee sekaisin.
eilen olin ensin spinning tunnilla ja sitten nostin punttia tein vatsalihaksia.
ihanaa kivun ja nautinnon välimaastoa.
tuntuu hyvältä kun tuntee lihasten liikkuvan ja toimivan oikein.
olen meittinyt pitäisi ostaa joku proteiini säkki urheiluliikkeestä kun nyt olen saanut proteiinia vaan ruuasta.magnesiumia syön erikseen.
riittääköhän se?

jännä uutinen:

erään forum keskustelun jälkeen aloin miettiä ihmisten suhtautumista suruun ja mielenterveyden ongelmiin.
amerikkalaisten ystävieni kautta olen oppinut että jollekin tavalla sekin kulttuuri on myötämielisempi surulle kuin suomalaiset.
mielenterveydelliset ongelmat taitavat olla samalla tasolla suhtautumisessa.

ihmiset eivät tunne erottavan normaalia allapäinolemista sairaasta ihmisistä joka ei voi ahdistukselleen mitään koska kyse on neurologiasta.
surua ei myöskään tunnuta haluavan käsitellä ja varsinkin sen pitkää monimuotoista prosessia.
on jännitävää kuina toisen ihmisen tunteen ilmaus voi aiheuttaa toisessa agressiivisen reaktion (usein agressiivisella omia padottuja tunteita joista toinen muistuttaa).
itse omistan jonkinnäköisen "sääli äidinvaiston" eli syystä kuin syystä apeana oleva ihminen saa mut yrittämään hänen piristämistään jne.
siksi mun on vaikea samaistua agressiivisiin reagtioihin.

samoin olen hyvin avoin ihminen joten en tunne agressiivisuutta tunteiden esittämistä vaan hyvää mieltä.

on vaikea ymmärtää koko elämänsä melkein terapiassa käynyynä ja itseään tutkiskelevana ihmisenä hyvin lukossa olevan ihmisen reaktioita.
en myöskään ymmärrä taiteilijana sitä että ilmaiseminen on nenästä verta kaivamista.
ymmärrän sen että kun maalaan ajatuksia herättävän taulun sulkeutuneet ihmiset reagoivat agressiivisesti mutta ehkä tässä tuleekin taas se törmäys kurssi. itse en reagoisi tauluun agressiivisesti vaan kyseenalaistaen ja kysyen.

kai kyse on samanlaisista alkukantaisista reaktioista kuin islamin uskoiset riehujat jotka riehuvat kun näkevät kritiikkiä.

ihminen on ihmeellinen eläin.

sitten kun mieitin kaikki niitä upeita henkilökohtaisia teoksia jotka olisi jätetty tekemättä jos olisi uskottu hiljaisuuden ja estyneisyyden valtaan,
ettei vaan verta vuotaisi nenästä.
kuten kurt cobain, jonka media lopuksi tuhosi olisi jättänyt tekemättä kaikki ne hienot sanoitukset koska kyseessä olisi ollut vain masentuneen ihmisen läpinää.

kaikesta täytyy maksaa hintaa tässä maailmassa.
mun hinta taiteesta on että ihmiset saavat haukkua ja arvostella ja vihata koska olen julkinen eläin ja ammattini puolestakin tulen olemaan.
tulen aina antamaan kaikkeni ja kaiken itsestäni ja mulla on hyvä olo ja upeita kaiken antavia ihmisiä ympärillä.

koskaan ei tule aikaa että ihminen olisi vapaa.varsinkaan toisistaan

no niin nyt luennolle.
heipodei