my stress about going caused me to get sick. now i cant do anything just lay down. i have feverr and everypart of my body hurts.
i would have to empty my workplace etc. start packing my Henri.
if my man going to european tour, we dont see each other in 6 months maybe 2 times. terrible. as my man says it hits him like a stab to the heart times when he realize that and how silent our home is.".
week left.

in my dream the beaches were full of meateater plants, standind in the ocean, purple green. they picked person up from their heads during their morning walk and melted and eated them very slowly.
in my dream kids in mall dies in escalators final steps and get crushed to death.

its important to me to go, cause of my career and spiritual growing.
visiting concentration camps, war museons, listen and read stories, learn about history i have become more humble and respecting my life and my close ones even more.
my weakness is that i`m slipping to my cynical state as much as i know about things that "everyone should die and world end" like i use to think.
with that thinking there wasnt any hope in my life.

listening other cultur its history is the best way to learn about life,
like holding a hand of dying person or celebrating birth of little baby.

if this sickness keeps hold i have to cancel my going away get to together.

i wanna hang myself to S. watch his every move,listen every word, touch and hug. how can i miss him allready?

say over and over again "you leave for your career" dont wanna end up some art school teacher i have to be more i have to be something that has grown from filth of man to remember them about that. that this sociaty grows monsters. i have to write that down and put it to my wall in poland.
i think i will put many reminders why i have to tolerate the lonelyness and missing my loved one.

as lonely as i am in finland too still many people around me, and im very socail now days. i have always someone to go to when people say im too sick and different. take their hand and say "am i good enough to you?" and they hug me and say "yes of course you are."

in poland i have no one. its good i very quick make friends with people that can stand my stupid little songs,too loud laughing, and difficult disgussion cause my mind jumps from subject to other and is very messy.

"its gonna be ok" its gonna be ok" now just enjoy the snot

"Slow down this is slippin' trough my mind,
This conversation has run out of time.
Honey I know you know what I mean,
And that's the one thing that you soon will find.
I know that you really wanna go,
My mind is runnin' outta gas just relax,
And recap, and relapse.
Tonight, my bodies jumpin' and I,
Go through the motions and I'm leaving on this journey,
Maybe someday I'll come running home to you.

I don't wanna see the day, my words cannot make it safe.
(Come running home! Come running home!)
Her heart in my hands, it's too bad, no regrets...
I don't wanna see the day, her tears are falling on my grave.
(Come running home! Come running home!)
This is my one chance, to take back, no regrets."

-fall of troy